“Married Ins” — The Royal Family In All of Us
Trying to figure out how to “make it work” with new behavioral dynamics.
Watching Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s interview with Oprah after their move to America, I could not help but wonder how the Royal Family felt while watching the interview, or even how they felt when first hearing of its existence. If I had to venture a guess, their emotions likely spanned anger, frustration, confusion, retribution, indifference, or…all of the above. Meghan could not have spoken truer words than, “Perception and reality are two very different things. We are judged on the perception and living in the reality.”
So, what went wrong within their family?
Who Controls Your Family’s Perception and Reality?
Take a moment to consider: Who controls your family’s perception, and who creates their reality in the ever-present age of overexposure and decentralized communication via social media? We can arrive at the answer by, first, understanding the influence a married-in has on their new family, how families control their narratives, and what it means to communicate effectively both in and outside the family walls.
As we heard Meghan describe to Oprah, marrying into (and assuming a professional position within) the Royal Family came with countless expectations — some of them expected, while others, wildly unexpected. Yet other than being under the world’s microscope, does Meghan’s experience differ from what all families in business face? I think not.
High-powered and high-net-worth (HNW) family businesses are successful because of their commitment to a collective set of beliefs, values, philosophies, and business practices. This is reflected in something as simple as, “In this family, everyone goes to church together on Sundays. No matter what.” It can also surface in weightier situations, like, “when [insert your most embarrassing or challenging issue] is made public, we expect [every family member to respond this way].” Married-in’s are expected to share the values and commitments of their new extended family, but what happens when things change along the course of the marriage?
When Behavioral Norms Don’t Align
Married-in’s enter their new families with their own set of values, traditions, and problem solving skills. And when they enter that family office as well, typically, those same values, traditions, and skills accompany them. When their behavioral norms don’t immediately align with that of their new family’s, and their approach to business, that once (self-described) harmonious group can orbit into uncharacteristic dysfunction, unwanted crisis, and premature transitions.
Restoring a family’s harmony (or never losing it to begin with) starts with the family and the married-in coming to a mutual understanding — really taking the time to listen and understand their unique perspectives. Since changing people is usually not an option, the only real way for families to unite is to embrace their different vantage points and diversity of thought.
Lost in so many family businesses is the family members’ ability to share their respective points with clarity. This requires both understanding your audience, as well as clearly framing your point — otherwise known as communicating. It is rare for i3 to begin working with a family-in-business without translating what one family member is saying to another.
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